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Episode 12/Transcript
(At the photobooth, Matthew and Trisha are making out) Belinda: Ok, on the count of three say, "Prom!" One, two—Mr. Derringer, M-Mr. Derringer! Might I remind you that this is a school event! Hands where I can see them! Matthew: My apologies, Lunch Lady Belinda. The beauty of this creature here often causes me to act in a way that is, well, less than appropriate. Belinda: Oh my, somebody's gonna be walking very funny tomorrow morning. (laughs) Matthew: Well my dear sweet morsel, shall we proceed? Belinda: One, two, three. Matthew and Trisha: Prom! (Matthew and Trisha walk off and Saison and Blaine walk over) Saison: Oh bonjour, Lunch Lady Belinda. Belinda: (sighs) Hello, Saison Margeurite. Please embrace Blaine in a romantic yet appropriate manner. Blaine: Um, actually, I've prepared a speech. Belinda: For a picture? Blaine: Saison Margeurite, tonight I consider myself the luckiest man on the face of the earth. Belinda: Did you just steal Lou Gehrig's retirement speech? Blaine: What? No! She completes me! Belinda: That's Jerry Maguire. Blaine: Hey I'm real! What you get is what you see! What you trying to do to me? Belinda: Those are the lyrics to an old Jennifer Lopez song. Saison: Oh Blaine, straight up now tell me do you want to love me forever? Or am I caught in a hit and run? Belinda: Augh... you give love a bad name. Wha—oh, goddamnit! Now you got me doing it! Saison and Blaine: What? Belinda: Ugh... forget it. The babies you make tonight are gonna be so stupid. Just say prom. Blaine: Prom! Saison: How do you say, prom? (Mackenzie and Steven walk through as Bridget greets them) Bridget: Hello, and welcome to the 2012 Overland Park High School Prom: All Dogs Go to Heaven Under the Sea in Hawaii. Steven: (chuckles) My, my, that is quite a unique theme for a high school prom. Mackenzie: Yeah, we had some issues on the prom committee this year. (Shay and Mackenzie are shown in a flashback) Shay: Under the sea! Mackenzie: Hawaii! Shay: Under the sea! Mackenzie: Hawaii! Judith: Um, h-hey guys, is my All Dogs Go to Heaven theme still on the table, because, um, I think it's a real winner. (Present) Mackenzie: A compromise was reached... let's go get some punch. (Steven and Mackenzie walk off before Tanner walks in) Bridget: Hello and welcome to the 2012 Overland Park— (Tristan walks in) Tristan: Oh my god! Look at your outfit! I swear, if I was into ladies, I'd be elbow deep in you right now. Bridget: Hello. Tristan: You don't know me. Tristan Mckie. I go to Blue Valley Northwest. Well, that's what do during the day. At night, this one plays around in my guts. Bridget: Yay. Tanner: I'm Tanner Christiansen. Bridget: The answer to a question I never asked. Tristan: You're probably familiar with Tanner's work. Well, not in the way I'm familiar with it. (giggles) I'm talking about sex. Sweetie, what's the name of that thing you are, again? Tanner: I'm the quarterback of the football team, Tristan. Tristan: So much technical jargon, jeezus louisus! Leave us ladies in the kitchen, where we belong, right Red? I'm just kidding! Obvi! Bridget: I'm being paid fifty dollars to stand here, not to talk to Rick Taylor's bottom. Go away now. Tristan: (laughs) My God, isn't she great?! She's like the love child of Daria and Miranda from Sex and The City! Tanner: Don't say what you're about to say. Tristan: I've had this dream several times where Cynthia Nixon and I are dating. Except she has a penis. Side note, it's huge. And in this dream, she repeatedly just—God I'm getting wet just thinking about it. Come here, you! (Tanner and Tristan walk off) (Brittnay and Connor Devarnan are shown in Brittnay's car) Brittnay: (sighs) Now, just try and tell me that that was a second rate hand job! Connor: It was cool. Brittnay: Damn right it was cool! Now, time to go in there and take my rightful place as—''(Brittnay gets out of the car and Connor drives off)'' What the fuck! Connor: Later! (Judith and Rachel drive into the parking lot in a motorcycle) (Rachel and Judith enter the prom and Bridget greets them) Bridget: Welcome to the 2012 Overland Park—why are you wearing a tuxedo? Judith: Hey! Yeah, why am I wearing a tuxedo? Rachel: It's a women's cut! Bridget: Did that come with a balls and a dick, or did you buy that separately? Rachel: Bridget, do you like my dress? Bridget: You look like a tampon that was dipped in Skittles. And vomit. Rachel: Thank you. (Rachel and Judith walk off as Brittnay enters) Bridget: Hello and welcome— Brittnay: Fuck off. (walks off) Bridget: Don't mind if I do. (walks off) (Brittnay goes over to Justin) Brittnay: Hey. (Brittnay and Justin make out) Ashley: Um, that's my boyfriend. Trisha: Yeah! That's what you get, Ashley Katchadorian! Next time you watch the fucking door! Ashley: Why are you guys so mean to me? (she walks off, crying) Brittnay: (nervous laugh) You know she's in charge of snacks, right? Trisha: Wait, what? Brittnay: Ashley Kachadorian, is in charge of snacks. Justin: Uh—Jenna Darabond is in charge of the door. Trisha: Oh my God, I've made a terrible mistake. (Mackenzie comes over) Mackenzie: Excuse me, can someone explain to me why I just saw bottom right of the pyramid running away from you two in tears? (Justin walks off) Trisha: I may have accidentally blamed Ashley Katchadorian for a certain girl-getting-her-arms ripped off debacle. Brittnay: And I made out with her boyfriend. Not mistakenly. Mackenzie: Wait a minute, you made out with Justin Michaelson? Brittnay: Yeah. Why? Do you have a problem with that? Mackenzie: No, why would I have a problem with that? I don't care who Justin Michaelson makes out with. There's nothing between us. I'm in a happy committed relationship with Steven Carmichael. So (nervous laughter) Trisha: So we're sure that Ashley Katchadorian is not in charge of the door? Cause, cause we need to be like sure... sure sure. Mackenzie: Goddammit Trisha, this is supposed to be my night! Brittnay: Your night? I'm sorry, since when does the night belong to the girl who's gonna come in second for Prom Queen? Mackenzie: You take that back, bitch! Brittnay: I take nothing back. Mackenzie: TAKE IT BACK! (Shay and Than walk over) Shay: Well, well, well, sounds like there's discord on Cheer Mountain. Mackenzie: Gay Van Buren, why the hell did you bring Jonathan Getslinhaumer as your prom date? Shay and Than: Hey, that's not my name! Mackenzie: Never mind, I get it. Than: Hey! Girl with the black hair! I don't need to stand here and be berated by the likes of you. Than is popular now. And Than is gonna hang out with the rest of the popular dudes... Yo dudes, wait up! Tanner: Fuck off. Justin: Fuck off. Matthew: Eyes off the butts. Than: ...That's just this inside joke we have. Popular guy thing. Tanner: No it's not! Than: Haha, fuck you too, there buddy! Oh those guys. (starts crying) I just—I'm sorry just... you want some punch? Be right back! (walks out the door) Deandra: (walks in) Who the fuck was that? Brittnay: Oh my God, Deandra, it's-it's so good to see you. Shay: Can I just say, um, I love your dress! Deandra: It's the exact same dress I've been wearing every day to school. Shay: No, no I know, but it's-it's-it's so good today. Mackenzie: Well, um, it's really nice to see that you've really kept a positive attitude about all this. Deandra: Uh yeah, things are fucking awesome for me. I get to run the hundred meters in the Special Olympics, I lost like twenty-seven pounds— Trisha: Oh my God! What is your secret? Deandra: I had my arms ripped off. Trsha: Oh, right. Deandra: And tonight, I get to be the prom queen! Shay: I'm sorry, excuse... did you say that— Brittnay: You're going to be prom queen? Deandra: Uh yeah, look at me! Mackenzie: Exactly, look at you. Deandra: Mackenzie Zales, Shay Van Buren, Handjob Girl, you clearly aren't familiar with the concept of a pity vote, are you? Put yourself in the shoes of an average Overland Park student. Who are you gonna vote for for Prom Queen? A cheerleader? Perhaps. An Overland Park socialite? Maybe. Oh, but wait, what's this? A girl with no arms? Well, if I don't vote for her, I most assuredly will burn in the fiery fire of hell fire for all eternity. In fact, let me vote for her twice to ensure that she never experiences heartbreak or disappointment ever again in her entire life. After all, she does have no arms. Badabap, one two eight, prom queen. Nubbins: (over PA) Your attention please... will the five students nominated for Prom Queen please make their way to the front of the stage. Prom has been going for eight minutes, which of course means it's time for the most important event of the evening! Deandra: See ya up there. Dumb whores.